A husbands view on living with PMDD

What is it Like Living with Someone with PMDD?

We met about 10 years ago, and Claire was, well, normal when it came to mood swings and ‘that time of the month.’ Over time, subtle changes appeared; her periods became more frequent, and her mood became unpredictable. She would experience deeper lows and occasional highs, but the down times kept getting worse and more severe.

As the years went by, Claire’s PMDD symptoms became more apparent, but we had no idea what was happening. We didn’t even know Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) was a thing.

Being a Partner to Someone with PMDD

It’s hard to make plans when you don’t know what PMDD mood swings will bring. Even without PMDD, making plans and hoping you’ll still want to go out can be tricky, but with PMDD, it’s nearly impossible. After a while, you stop making plans altogether because getting excited only to have plans fall through is exhausting. So, I learned to take things day by day, building our relationship one step at a time.

The mood swings weren’t even swings; they were long, drawn-out emotional storms. Some days, I sat wondering what I had done wrong. Other days, I just hoped that she would see some light and feel a little better.

Recognising a Pattern

Being on the outside looking in, I started to notice a PMDD pattern. I logged Claire’s periods (I still have them saved in my calendar) and realized she only had one truly happy week each month. The rest of the time, things were gradually getting harder.

One day, Claire said, “I’m always due on.” I replied without thinking (we were still early in our relationship), “You are always due on! Three weeks out of four.” That was our lightbulb moment. We both started researching and realised this was more than just bad PMS, it was PMDD. From that moment, we tracked things better and knew we needed to find help, not just for us, but most importantly, for Claire.

The Diagnosis Journey

Getting a PMDD diagnosis wasn’t easy. Claire came home from the doctor one day after being told she looked perfectly happy; it was heartbreaking. Then, lockdowns and changing doctors delayed things further.

The only things that seemed to help were throwing her into the sun for a day in the garden or taking a spontaneous trip to the beach. But we needed more than that—we needed real solutions.

Life with PMDD

Living with someone with PMDD felt like constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew what version of Claire I’d come home to. Some days, she would talk about wanting to disappear, and those red flags were terrifying. She reassured me she wouldn’t act on those thoughts, but the worry sat heavy on my chest until we finally celebrated her hysterectomy and the relief it brought.

PMDD can turn everyday events upside down. One time, we booked go-karting with friends. In the build-up, Claire was on a high, confident, competitive, ready to take on the track. But by race day, she crashed into a PMDD low, and anxiety took over. After one race, she sat out the rest of the day, emotionally drained.

The PMDD unpredictability didn’t stop there. One day, I walked through the door to find Claire with a paint roller in hand, completely redecorating the house, no prep, no masking up, just fueled by PMDD energy.

How did I handle this? I worked with what she needed: stroking her hair while she curled up on the sofa, watching the same four Disney movies over and over, or coloring and blow-drying her hair to help her feel even the slightest bit better. At her lowest, just getting her into the shower was a win.

It was never easy. Doctors dismissed her. Moods changed constantly. And all the while, I acted as the buffer between PMDD, hormonal crashes, and three teenagers. But we had made a commitment to each other, and I knew this wasn’t truly Claire, it was the PMDD taking over.

How PMDD Affected Me

How did this all affect me? Honestly, this is the hardest part to write.

There were moments of frustration and resentment; especially when I had to be the middleman between teenagers and Claire during a PMDD low. When the house was tense, it was hard to remember that they were just being kids, and I often felt stuck in the middle.

The unpredictability was draining. I could have the best day ever, but then walk through the door to a PMDD low that silenced the whole house. I felt guilty for having a good day, so I’d say nothing. On the flip side, if I had a bad day, but Claire was on an up, she would overcompensate, leaving no space for me to sulk or process my emotions.

Did I need help? Yes.

Did I ever want to walk away? Yes.

Did it feel like too much to handle? Absolutely.

But that’s not how relationships work. We were in this together, and I knew this wasn’t the real Claire. She had no control over it. One way or another, we were going to beat this; together.

PMDD or not, Claire is still the person I want by my side.